One day I was in a jungle and there was loads of animals my favourite animal was the elephant because I had a way to communicate with them so the was the four elephants and one off them always talked and today he was not talking so I was really worried about him. Through the whole day he didn't talk. So, I decide to try make him better but nothing worked. But then the elephant delivered his speech. All of the jungle was happy again and we all were so happy so we all celebrated.
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Wow Doireann! I sensed a big leap forward in your writing! You have used your opening sentence to hook the reader, providing them with the who, where and when key questions answered! Sounds simple but many writers forget the needs of the reader to need these details. You have great phrases in your story such as 'I had a way to communicate with them (elephants)'. I loved how you told the reader of your concern for the change in personality in one elephant. I felt sympathy for him and keep reading as I wanted to know how it would end. The use of your prompt to answer this question for me was super! He was quiet as he was thinking about what he was going to say! Your closing sentence created a great feeling and image of the scene. Well done, Doireann! I really enjoyed your story! Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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June 2020
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